My Crazy Little World

Family is an interesting term. dictionary.com has plenty of definitions for it. The thesaurus has “relationship” as one of the meanings for it.

I wake up everyday thinking that maybe today I will have a “relationship” with these people that I’ve grown up to think are my “family.” But, no. I come to the scary realization that I have no relationship with these people. I’ve come to terms that my sisters are really  NOT my sisters. They are just my “mom’s” baby girls. My “dad” claimed when I was a baby I wasn’t his child and that comes to light now. I’m not his daughter. He takes in my “mom’s” daughters in as his own. He sides with them. Jokes with them. has a relationship with them. And I’m left alone. I used to get everything I wanted. Now I don’t. That doesn’t bother me much anymore. I work hard for my money and I buy myself what I need. Meanwhile, Those women that claim to be my “sisters” get what they want when they want from my “dad.” Oh and that lady that claims to be my “mom,” she’s a good for nothing liar who defends her precious little gems.

I get this deep feeling a lot of the time that people actually hate me. Everyday that goes by I feel like my boyfriend likes me less and less. Idk maybe I’m just going crazy. :(

I feel like there comes a time in everyone’s life where they sit back and kind of wish they had done things differently. I feel like that time is now for me. I was looking at past pictures of myself and hardly paying any attention to the picture but more so to the comments I received. It’s funny. I used to say all the time that I didn’t have any friends. But the comments bring into light an entirely different picture. I had friends. I guess I just didn’t know how to involve myself with them. Today I still don’t. Almost all the people who commented on my pictures, I’m not even friends with anymore.  I mean from time to time, I do text someone to see what they are doing and see if they want to maybe do something but I don’t do it nearly as often as I probably should. I sometimes feel like I’m a bother. 

I used to paint this dream life that should’ve happened to me, where I was the popular girl and I was the one everyone wanted to hangout with and I would hangout with everyone and life would be great. But that never happened to me. I was very picky with people and I don’t understand why.

People say never regret your past but I find that extremely hard NOT to do. I am extremely content with what I have right now. I couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend and I have an awesome group of paintball buddies who are like brothers to me but a big part of me wishes I could just be that girl who has a good number of girl friends that have each other’s back and just go out and have a good time. For example, a girl’s night out. But I don’t have that and I feel like I’ll never have that. 

I wish I were still friends with a lot of the people I used to talk to in high school. That’s my only regret. People always said Never burn your bridges, but I always seemed to and continue to do so accidentally. 

It’s always pretty cliche when people say, “This year, I’m going to be different.” I always think to myself, are you really going to change and be a new person, or is it just some bullshit you’ve heard everyone else say and therefore just say it for the hell of it? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve said it too and failed to follow through, but this year I feel like I’m really going to make an effort to change. 

It is a new year, and I plan to make some drastic changes… slowly but surely. I can’t do it alone.. So far, ever since I met my boyfriend back in October, I’ve tried to change my ways. I’ve tried to make a conscious effort to be a nicer just all around better person. I’ve seen change for sure. it’s been baby steps for the past two months. I’m actually surprised with myself at how well I’ve held my attitude and not getting mad at the little things in life. 

What I have come to terms with that I cannot change for the life of me, is my family. I will never be able to change them… They’ve already formed their concrete, permanent personalities and there’s no changing them. My mom has to get mad at every little thing that isn’t to her liking; something I always used to do. She just takes it out on me if I don’t side with her and says the meanest of things. My dad gets mad at her getting pissed off at everything that she gets mad at everything. My sisters, well, they are just conniving and I feel like they are constantly out to get me and make my life miserable. I mean, I get angry too but I am fully aware of the hurt I cause them when I do get angry with them. Right now, for instance, I’m in the fighting ring with my mom for her stupid bullshit; she didn’t get her way on New Years. My dad decided not to take her to the casino after she demanded him to take her and pay for her… I mean he would have paid for her anyways but the way she requested that she do it just wasn’t reasonable and my dad was not going to tolerate it. This fight lasted two days, New Years Eve as well as all of New Years Day. I got her wrath because I didn’t side with her this time and just ignored her. I don’t think it’s quite fair but whatever.

When she gets angry with me, she decides to take it out on not only me but whomever I’m close with at the time. This time it was my boyfriend. She said things that weren’t true and this is where my sister comes in. New Years Day, my mom disappeared. Who was at fault for this, according to my sister, me, of course. Why? Oh, because I should be playing babysitter and not letting my mom out of sight. She of course, started blaming me for, apparently, picking my boyfriend over my mom. I’m sorry, when was it my responsibility to pay attention and watch my 59 year old mother’s every move? Yeah, that’s what I thought, it’s not my responsibility. She disowned me after I told her it wasn’t my place to go looking for her as if she were my lost child. 

There has never been a time where I have actually felt bad for my dad… This is the first time. 

I’ll get over my anger towards my mom and shit she says.. I never thought words could really hurt.. 

New Year’s Resolution: picking myself up and having a fantastic year without the unnecessary bullshit that is going to get thrown at me. The school semester is around the corner and I’m ready to bring home that fantastic GPA. I’ve always wanted; at least a 3.5 and of course have a steady and decent-paying job. 

DAY 1 - 5 Quick Fun Facts About Myself

 Numero Uno - love Love LOVE Tinkerbell

#2 - I am certainly 100% Puerto Rican

Number 3 - I love zip up hoodies

4 - I like reading… 

5. I enjoy taking pictures of my self. lol